Who am I?
This is a question that has been floating through my mind now for the last couple of months. It comes and goes, sometimes floating calmly through until it disappears and other times it pops up in big bold letters reminding me that I need to get myself together. It ebbs and flows depending on the tide that has become my mind.
I’m forty five years old. With that said, one would think that I would have it together, and for the sake of my sanity , that I would at least know who I am in Christ. At forty five, half of my life is gone, ok maybe more than half. I’m considered middle aged, pre-menopausal, and when I was pregnant almost two years ago I was in that dreaded “advanced maternal age” category also known as AMA on paper because it’s just too long and tiring to write out. I should be holding my head up high in confidence knowing that I have finally crossed that invisible line of maturity all while looking down my nose at all the “inexperienced” young women with so much more to learn (tsk tsk). Is this my version of a mid-life crisis? Instead of replacing my mom jeans, flat sandals, and graying hair with low-riders, stripper shoes and fresh and funky highlights, I’m sitting here comparing myself to that impossible woman in Proverbs 31. I am far from a perfect Christian, I swear, I complain, I nag at my husband, and I get depressed but, to be honest, I wouldn’t change the flawed me . I have this feeling of emptiness inside of me though, not complete emptiness, but instead this small part of me that is waiting to be filled. A hole waiting to be filled with, with…what….? Something meaningful. Something so meaningful that when I enter the pearly gates of Heaven I will enter with complete confidence that my Father will look adoringly at me and say “Good job my daughter, with you I am well pleased.”
I realize what makes me feel full and it finally hits me, it hits me like cold fresh water from the cup that overflows in Psalm 23:5 “..You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” Gods provisions and blessings are so abundant that it over flows, my blessings are so many that my cup is overflowing and spilling over as I walk around holding it, too blind to notice how full it really is. I realize that the annoying hole in me starts to fill when I share Gods grace with others. I see so many women questioning their worth, struggling with insecurities and not finding who they are in Christ. I have prayed for them, with them, shared scripture, cried and laughed with them. And this….this is what starts to feed that emptiness inside of me.
Before I posted this I was lying down searching my heart for what I would like to share with women like you and I and the Lord showed me a picture. A vision so clear that it was as if I was standing right there in front of it…this is a vision for you from our Father…
In a large grassy field there was a small wooden gate with no way to the other side, it was locked. I could see over the gate and it was beautiful. But as I looked again I saw in front and to the right of this gate tall weeds covering something. As I pushed the weeds aside there behind it was an opening to the field beyond. All that needed to be done was to push aside those weeds to reveal this opening. It was as simple as that! What is hindering your relationship with God and preventing you from moving on to greater things? Don’t let the “weeds” in your life hinder, choke or prevent you from blossoming and becoming who God intended you to be.